3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My ass is underappreciated
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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