My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
