last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
