based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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