I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
