i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Barsexuality is the new black.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
