Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
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Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
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I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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