I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
