it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
