omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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