I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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