I think my fart just growled at me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Is it because I queefed?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
third nipple confirmed
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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