You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
i need some magic done to my vagina
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
