Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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