You can't special order awesome
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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