Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
thus making me awesome and them whores
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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