Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
