Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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