Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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