The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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