when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
