after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
