yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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