Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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