Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
