I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
