Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
