Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
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My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
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