well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
