theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
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He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
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I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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