Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
