TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
