Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
