put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
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I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
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you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it