It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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