and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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