forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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