When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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