u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
