I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
