Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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