Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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