my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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