just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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