I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize