Duck Duck Cougar?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
