he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
