Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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