Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We're too hungover to prance.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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