had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
