I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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