where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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