My friends, they love my intelligence
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
