I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
