my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
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hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
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I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.