I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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