omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
