So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
