I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
